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Confession Fifteen
Living Homeless |
I would sleep in my storage unit at night, aside of the bitter, bitter cold there was the threat of the wild animals. They scared the hell out of me, I couldn’t keep the unit door open, so I had the door closed but it wasn’t closed all the way and I could hear and see the animals trying to get into my unit. I used my candles to light up my dark, cold and lonely unit, I would lie there on my futon mattress covered with my blankets and my head buried in my pillows watching the candle light flicker as I thought my self to sleep I would wake up in the morning, if I even slept, I’d get up and go to the library and wait on the steps until it was opening time and I would find a nice quiet spot and get a book pretend to read and fall asleep. Not being able to eat, shower, stay warm, having to sleeping outside, having everybody you know turn there back on you it was as if I didn’t exist to anybody anymore. That feeling is so freeing, yet so haunting because like I said living this way there wasn’t anything anybody could do to me, yet the fact that it was because of what they did to me just hard to wrap your mind around it. |
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Confession Eighteen Eternal Love or Eternal Betrayal |
I just never got why he had lied so much, why he played me so much, he once came into work and had a big ass hickey on his neck and had the nerve to tell me it was a soap rash, a dam soap rash, I was like are you kidding me do I look that dumb. It was right in my face, and I chose to over look it because my heart loved bay, more them my mind wanted bay, my soul couldn’t be without him and I was able to over look his indiscressions to keep his love. Then one day he didn’t sign off from online, I was fed up, I was tired of fighting him for his attention, his trust, his love I was tired of it all and my devious side kicked in and I decided to read his e-mails and what I read was so shocking. He used to get online and to talk sexual with boys, I don’t mean playful I mean down right raunchy and dirty, explicit and filth it was very detailed there was even mention of a plans to meet them. |
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Confession Twenty Two Depression, Death and HIV |
I was bed ridden by this time, my breathing attacks were happening more often and lasting longer, and became harder to control at this point. I wasn't eating, I couldn't movie, i went from 150lbs, to 120lbs I don’t know how to describe this, but best way I can is I was sleeping in bed and next thing I know I felt children, lots of children had there hands interlocked around my entire body. They where blocking me from this force and I felt this force, all I can say is the force felt dark, it seemed like it was black, it scared me and the kids were trying to push it’s way, they wouldn’t let it through and just then I woke up. I got very cold, which I now know was my fever spiking, Which caused me to get such bad chills that had my body started shacking as if I was standing outside in zero degree weather during a snowstorm. That set off my Dyspnea, which caused an anxiety attack because I could not breathe and like a domino effect it sent me into a panic attack. I felt like I was dying, I was gasping for air and coughing and choking all at the same time, with no way to stop it, no way to relax I was scared. |
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