Sometimes I feel so small, so unimportant and insignificant as if my life is disposable if I don’t contain and maintain the attributes that are required in today’s society from dating, love, credit, sex, and jobs.

I tend to find myself looking back wondering where it all went wrong, or if it even did go wrong. I mean is it possible that a change in ones life’s direction is how life is, or was supposed to turn out.

Nobody really knows, people just believe, have faith and pray and I’m not saying I don’t do some or all of the above, I’m just saying that nobody really knows what’s in store, what’s really next or if the path we are on is the right path for us, nobody really knows.

Confession Five

Manning Road House

Though, I look back and ask my self with that whole divorce, the nasty court battles, sneaking to long island to bring me back upstate, why?

 Why did she put my mother thought so much pain, why did she fight my mother so hard for me, why did she even go through so many lengths to keep me, to in the end to let me go like I was nothing, like I was a Burdon of trash.

I can’t lie it hurt me, emotionally it messed me up and I have never been the same since.

I have been through a lot in my life, especially since then. I’ve tried to “forgive and forget” but no matter how hard I try to let go, or I try to forget, all I remember is everything I lost, everything they forced me to give up.

There’s a part of me that thinks to myself if this wouldn’t have happened what would I have turned out like, would I be in so much pain, would my life be so voided and I keep searching to find something that does not ever stay in my life.

I had pulled into the driveway, waiting for them because we were going to pick up another friend of there’s for the party that was going down, well His father came out and just lost it.

He came out with his Chest all puffed out bat in hand calling me nigger this, and nigger that, and I needed to stay away from his house, and his son and how he was going to unleash the dog on me.

This tripped me out big time, I was not scared being I was already pumped because they had ruined my life so much that it was like a pot that had just boiled over.

There were some so-called friends in the car, they had to practically hold me back and talk me down, He was an older man, not an old man but I was ready to show him just how much of a “nigger” I could be.

I mean since that is all he saw me as, needles to say I did not go down the same road he did, I just took my ass to the police, I had enough and I wanted it to stop, his father was arrested which made a completely bigger issue of the incident.